I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
