Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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