I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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