How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
