I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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