you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
