It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
