God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
