At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
