my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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