Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
