12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
