I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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