8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
