Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
