I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
