chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
