I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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