3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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