john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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