So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
