U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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