Please, let me fuck your mom
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
