Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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