I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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