seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
