What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
