I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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