omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
