can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
