I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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