mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
