I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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