Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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