She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
