i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
