Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
