Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
