you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
