my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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