Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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