I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
