so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
pray to the hookup gods
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
