My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
