Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
