she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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