Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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