Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
