If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
