Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The air was thick with penises
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
