a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
